Who Wears Short Shorts

Recently I did something I’ve dreaded for months. I ran in shorts. It was more out of necessity in an attempt to prepare for the London Marathon. As that fateful day approached it was becoming more and more apparent that full-length leggings just weren’t going to be appropriate attire. The heatwave was coming in full force and making no exceptions for us runners. Us runners who had trained through one of the bitterest, snow-covered, beastly winters on record. As if running 26.2 miles wasn’t enough, the gods decided to literally shine down on all of us.

So I searched out a pair of shorts. It had to happen. It was a week before the marathon so I went on a practice-wearing-my-shorts run (because rule number one of the marathon is don’t do anything new on the day). The nerves were real. I mean, I was already getting race day nerves anyway, but now I was being faced with the daunting reality of revealing my chubby knees to the world.

And I know they’re chubby, because when I was about 15 I was told so by a 7 year old at Stagecoach. No word of a lie. And I think I’ll literally remember that forever although now thankfully it just makes me laugh.

There had been a pair of shorts in my drawer for a few months; they had occasionally stared at me, suggested I try them on, suggested I take them for a spin, but I was held back by my insecurities so I just left them there, kind of hoping I would never need them.

Chatting with some running friends about it, they said that they loved wearing shorts in the summer because leggings just get too hot. I’m not an overly serious or competitive runner but I did think about how wearing shorts would be better for my running… and I know that if I want to promote body confidence then really I should practice what I preach.

So when I was getting ready for a solo afternoon run, I thought I’d just bite the bullet and wear the shorts. Half a mile in, I was loving life. Running in shorts felt amazing. I felt like my legs were longer, like I was striding along, leaping across the pavement, I wanted to open my arms and proclaim “the hills are alive”. I didn’t. But I did feel great.

Something I had been so scared of, something that hang-ups about my body had stopped me from doing for so long, something that I had avoided, turned out to be liberating. And I think that’s partly because of how good it felt to have the breeze on the backs of my knees (am I weird?), but also because I was challenging myself, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Reflecting on it whilst I was running, which is the best time for reflection by the way, I thought about how sad it was that I nearly didn’t experience this because of a lack of self-confidence, and a fixation on how I looked. And actually, I don’t run for other people, I don’t choose what I wear for anyone else’s sake, and I don’t run to look good. I run because I love it, and I realise that nothing should stop that.

The thing is, this is just one example of how my insecurities could hold me back. When we hold on to these insecurities they can massively inhibit us. And actually, if you keep fighting a fear it just gets worse. The fear deepens, things get out of context and suddenly it’s multiplied in size. When you face a fear, you come to one of two conclusions. 1) Yes, I am scared of that for a reason and I don’t like it. I won’t do it again. Or 2) Oh, that really wasn’t as bad as I thought and feeling the breeze on the back of my knees is very nice.

What I vowed to myself as I continued to run and smile at passers by because I was so pleased with my shorts, was that whenever I am sat face to face with an anxiety I have, I’m going to ask myself how much I am willing to let it hold me back. How much is this fear actually worth to me? Is this fear helping me? Because some fears are definitely worth keeping… scared to stand at the edge of a cliff or tell your boss what you really think of them? Probably a good thing. But I predict that when I identify a fear or anxiety about my appearance, holding on to it will not help me. As difficult as it may be, I want to face them and eliminate them. Now that will be liberating.