As we tackle the stigma of mental health, the phrase “it’s ok not to be ok” (which by the way, I always hear in Jessie J’s voice thanks to her song Who You Are) is used a lot.
It’s a phrase that provides comfort and demonstrates empathy and understanding. It says that you don’t need to be afraid about speaking out about your mental health and whatever struggles you are dealing with. It says you can be open and honest and not feel like you will be judged if you admit you might not be coping.
And I’m whole-heartedly behind that movement to encourage people to speak up. That’s what this blog is all about – speaking up about my struggles with mental health, because what I have to say just might help someone going through a similar experience or dealing with the same emotions I once did.
But it’s not ok not to be ok.
What I mean by that is we shouldn’t just accept that depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, being sad, is just a part of life. And that while it’s the most difficult thing to do, and I absolutely know that because I’ve been there, we have to allow ourselves to choose happiness.
Of course, we can’t always be on top of the world, and it wouldn’t feel like the top of the world if we were always there. But it’s not ok not to be ok.
When I was suffering with anorexia I was high functioning. I went to work, I met with friends, I went out at weekends, read books and watched TV. To many people, I was living an ordinary life. Perhaps more importantly from my own point of view, which was clouded by a mental health fog, I believed I could sustain this way of life for a long time without too many problems.
But I wasn’t happy. I was completely and utterly depressed and living a life that felt like someone else’s. Although I went to work, I was mistreated in my job and unable to motivate myself to produce quality work or concentrate on tasks for a long time. Although I met with friends, it was anxiety-provoking and difficult to navigate when most social-interaction centres around food. Although I went out at weekends it was often on my own because I wasn’t pleasant to spend time with, or with my family who must have felt a lot of the time that they were looking after me.
I wasn’t ok, and I needed to address that and make the conscious decision that it wasn’t ok anymore.
The worst thing about many mental health disorders, particularly eating disorders, is that they are vicious cycles that feel impossible to break. The illness itself convinces you that you want to hold on to that illness, because it’s serving some sort of purpose in your life. In order to overcome anorexia I had to tell myself that it wasn’t ok not to be ok. That I deserved better. That I could be happy.
A few things along the way triggered my recovery, along with the gradual improvements I would see as a result of therapy and support from my family. But in the end I had the power to decide whether I wanted to be happy again. It was hard to know, because I couldn’t imagine what that was like.
Now years into recovery, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I look back on that time with such sadness. I have learnt a lot from it and strangely have anorexia to thank for a lot, but ultimately I wasted two years of my life because I didn’t believe I deserved any better.
It’s not ok not to be ok. If you’re struggling, speak to someone. It’s the hardest thing ever, but please choose happiness.