What's the Danger?

I often find that when I talk about certain behaviours or attitudes surrounding food, exercise or body image, I mention danger. Worrying about how much you weigh is dangerous; restricting a certain food group is dangerous; comparing yourself to others is dangerous. Is it really dangerous?

For me, and many others, it is. As someone who has experienced an eating disorder, exhibiting old habits presents a huge risk of relapse and decline in mental health. There are mixed theories on whether a person who has had anorexia is every truly recovered… I feel like I am, but at the same time I think relapse will always be possible. And in my determination to never relapse, and to keep on top of my mental health, these behaviours and attitudes that can so easily creep up on me set off alarm bells. Because I cannot let myself go back to that dark, dark place.

But for someone who hasn’t and will likely never experience an eating disorder, is there a danger in exhibiting behaviours and attitudes that, to most people, are normal?

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say they are avoiding carbs, or they weigh themselves frequently or they want to look like someone else. The thing is, these ideas might seem normal but there is not much stopping them becoming more important to you than you realise. And when things are placed in the ‘high importance’ folder in our brain it’s incredible just what can be sacrificed.

Sat opposite from my therapist a few years ago, I listed all the reasons I should get better. I am always cold, I have bad skin, I can’t get clothes to fit…I’m hurting my family, I’m hurting myself. All these reasons were in front of me. But my brain was prioritising something else. It could not get past the refusal to give up my eating disorder that it was so desperately clinging on to. And so it took months and months of convincing myself that I was prioritising the wrong thing before I managed to make changes.

I know how it feels to think that something is so important that nothing else matters, whilst simultaneously understanding how illogical that is. And again, while it’s not necessarily taken to this extreme for most people, I see people all the time prioritising their appearance, their weight, their shape. I hear people talking about a brilliant weekend they’ve had that might have involved a bottle of wine and a nice dinner out, but then follow it up by saying “I’m dreading the weigh in on Tuesday now!”. I see people forgoing their own birthday cake, getting stressed out because they can’t get a good photo for Instagram, panicking before a holiday and going on a crash diet before bikini season. And even when you tell yourself you don’t care what other people think, many of us would rather be told we were cruel or bad at our jobs than told we were fat.

So what’s the danger? The danger is that you spend so much time thinking about what you look like that you forget to consider how you feel. You think so much about how your actions will affect your appearance that you forget to let go and have fun, or when you do let go, you regret it later rather than just enjoying it. That you care so much about something that’s actually quite insignificant, that you stop yourself from doing what you want. The danger is that you forget that life goes by in a flash, and maybe that you forget to be happy.

It’s so important that we realise when we’re prioritising the wrong things, and when our relationship with ourself isn’t at its best. These every day things might not seem dangerous in the slightest, but that’s not to say that you wouldn’t be better off without them. I don’t know about you, but a life that involves birthday cake sounds better than one where I don’t feel I can allow myself that indulgence. Recovery is the best thing I have ever done for myself; I am happier than I have ever been. By no means am I completely anxiety free, and I still get times of low confidence where those bad thoughts start to echo around my head again. But it’s at these times that I remind myself that letting go of my insecurities and hang ups is the best thing I can do for myself. Taking a step back and reminding myself to put things into context and reconsider my priorities can make such a difference. It’s a small thing that I can do to improve my happiness, and you can’t get much more important than that.