What I Learnt Running the Marathon

22nd April feels like a lifetime ago, but I remember every detail of marathon day vividly. I knew when I was told I had a place that I was about to experience a time in my life that would teach me a lot and that I’d remember for a long time to come.

During my training, as well as figuring out that it’s a bad idea to run on icy pavements, to always charge your watch before a long run and that bath salts are good, I learnt that when I’m determined, not much can stop me. I learnt the power of having a support system behind me and that sometimes the best thing you can do for your mind is to give yourself a rest. But probably the biggest and most valuable lesson I learnt was on marathon day.

I’m not the fastest runner by any stretch, and I never will be, but I do have a really competitive nature. I always want to be the best that I can be, and if I’m honest, better than as many other people as I can be. I think that comes from my concern about what other people think of me and how I compare to everyone else – that has always been something I have been burdened with.

Although it was my first marathon (so whatever time it took me would be a personal best), I still had an idea of the time I wanted to run it in. Leading up to the day, people would ask what time I was hoping for and I’d always say that I just wanted to get round and enjoy it, which was true, but I was also hoping for a time that I thought to be good for my standard.

I always get race day nerves, but the nerves for the marathon started a week before the day, and I have to admit that as the race day got closer, the time that I would finish in was one of the things I thought about or even worried about most, especially considering I picked up an injury just weeks before the day and the ‘hottest marathon of the year’ reports were flooding in. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter, that as long as I did my best on the day I should be proud, that I should go easy on myself and that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me or my time. I tried to tell myself, but it’s not as easy as that, is it?

Standing in my starting group on race day, I noticed that 8/10 people around me had some sort of injury tape, bandage or support on their body (including myself!). It almost made me emotional just thinking how much we had all been through individually, all the training, the hours that we had put in, the pain (and joy), and now we were here! And no one was going to let their injuries or knock backs stop them.

Our time to move to the start line came…I saw the clock, the balloons, and already crowds and crowds of people. I broke into a run as I went over the start and suddenly my nerves and worries were lifted. I mean, I almost felt them physically exit my body, and I just thought “Oh my god… I really don’t care what time I finish this race in”.

It’s something I never thought I would feel. Me, someone who is naturally competitive and has high expectations of herself. That needs and wants to be good at everything. And yet I didn’t care. Because I was just so happy to be doing it. I had crossed the start line, and I knew that no matter what it took, I would cross the finish line. There was no more training to be done, nothing else I could do now apart from run it.

The feeling was euphoric. And I remember thinking to myself, I wish I could feel like this all the time. I wish that in other areas of my life I could reach the stage where I no longer put pressure on myself to be the best or impress other people, where I no longer care what people think of me or my achievements, what I do or what I look like. I hadn’t even noticed how much that burden weighed until I felt it lift.

I realised that although we may feel like we live in a world full of expectations of us, most of those expectations have just been fabricated by our minds as we watch other people’s lives unfold.

No one has ever told me that I would be a failure if I didn’t run the marathon in under 5 hours. Yes, the media I consumed about running often emphasised being faster and stronger, but I had chosen to ignore the parts that encouraged me to just do my best, and instead focused on other people and what they had achieved to act as a benchmark for myself.

In fact, thinking about all the things that I might judge myself on – how I look or how much I weigh, how much I earn, what I wear, how many friends I have or if I have a boyfriend – the bar for all of these things has only been set by myself. I do think we need to make a concerted effort to induce change in the media, and in our every day lives to see a more diverse portrayal of people on all accounts, and one way we can do this is to start being honest ourselves – I know that I am, and many of us are, part of the issue and we have the power to project the truth, which might encourage more and more people to do the same. But even before that change, if we understand and remind ourselves that what we’re currently seeing around us is a highlights reel of the world, and that our own success and value isn’t based on how we measure up next to someone else, it might be easier to stop comparing ourselves.

Feeling that weight lift on marathon day meant that I relaxed and enjoyed the process. I lived right there in the moment, taking in the crowds, feeling the beat of the music as I ran past the live bands, high five-ing the children on the sides of the road, waving and smiling when people shouted my name. I lived each moment of that race. Even when I was in pain I pushed through, not for anyone else but myself. And the pain made the feeling when I finished even better.

If I could bottle that feeling and take it with me everywhere I really would. Thinking about it, I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I stopped worrying about what other people thought and my expectations of myself and just lived in the now, taking it all in, even the moments of pain. It’s important to have aims and aspirations to keep us motivated, but the key is to think about where those aspirations have come from. Have they come from a passion? Are the things that drive you the things you love and enjoy and make you happy, or are they just what you believe you need to achieve to be accepted, by others and yourself?

I think there are many secrets to happiness. And I think, running that marathon, I unlocked one. I’m just hoping I can hold on to it and remember it.