I’m not anti-social…I have anxiety

Growing up, I was always an ‘outgoing’ character. I certainly wasn’t afraid of attention and I made friends easily. So when social anxiety started to creep up on me, it was a completely alien feeling. I didn’t know it was anxiety. All I knew was that I had an instinctive feeling to distance myself from people but in doing so I felt lonely and unwanted.

My feelings were difficult for me to understand and talk about, and it was only when I developed an eating disorder, when my mental health issues became visible, that I and my family and friends realised something was really wrong. I had no idea, until I started speaking with my therapist, that I was experiencing anxiety.

But how would I have known…how would anyone have known? I’d never even heard of social anxiety. I started to question whether, for my whole life of being a loud and sociable person, I had been subconsciously putting on a front to disguise my insecurities. I couldn’t explain it to myself, let alone to anyone else.

While I was feeling all of these things, I felt weird and stupid, but looking back I understand that anxiety was behind it all. With the benefit of hindsight, I want to put into words some of the feelings I came across and how my social anxiety manifested itself.

I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a victim.

When my social anxiety was at its worst I was at university. Though most people are in the same boat when they start first year - you don’t know anyone, you’re in a new city away from family, your whole room is smaller than your wardrobe at home - I felt like my situation was worse than others. I’m further away from home than they are, my room is smaller than theirs, my roommates aren’t the type of people I’m normally friends with. Rather than being able to make the most of my situation, I only saw the negatives. I was building myself a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of.

I wanted to make friends but I couldn’t face anyone.

I knew that having a group of friends would be good for me, it would make me feel normal. I did meet new people at university, but I had these consuming feelings that prevented me from building those relationships. I was constantly concerned about what people thought of me, if people within my new group were closer and better friends with each other than they were with me, did I really wanted to be friends with these people anyway? I felt this complete aversion to socialising with this new group - it just felt easier not to face them and to stay in my room instead.

On top of this I felt completely exhausted. I didn’t want to go out in the evenings, I wanted to get home and go straight to bed. And even after going to bed at 8pm I’d manage to sleep through the night. Why was I so tired? The thing is, anxiety is exhausting…overthinking every social scenario, having to create excuses every time I was invited out, worrying about the fact I didn’t have friends. To make the time go faster I would sleep, and I was sleeping too much. It’s strange how you can do absolutely nothing, avoid making plans, not go out, and still feel knackered all the time.

I felt like a terrible friend.

When you stop making any effort to stay in touch with friends, cancel plans all the time, avoid gatherings and miss reunions, it’s easy to surmise that you’re a bad friend (and that everyone else thinks that too). Anxiety doesn’t care about friends, it has no consideration for your relationships, and you can’t just ignore it so that you can do what you want, so it isn’t as simple as being a good or a bad friend. I’d give excuses like ‘I’m not feeling well’, ‘I have to be up early in the morning’, ‘I have to pick up my sister’- in those times of heightened anxiety it wasn’t easy to admit or explain how I was feeling, not least because I didn’t really understand it myself. I thought I was crazy…why couldn’t I handle a garden party?!

There’s no quick fix.

I wish this blog was about social anxiety and how to tackle it… 10 easy steps to feel like yourself again! But the harsh reality is that there is no magic formula. There are things you can do to help:

Talk to someone about your feelings - I found that talking things through with my therapist and trying to vocalise my feelings to my mum and dad helped to ease the guilt about how my anxiety affected my behaviour, and helped me to understand my feelings better. If your anxiety is affecting your everyday life I would suggest you find a councillor, therapist or psychologist who can help, or talk to your GP.

Take small steps and make small, gradual changes - When I felt ready to start socialising more, I started with smaller occasions where there weren’t as many people. I gave myself time to feel comfortable and when I started wanting to meet friends more often that I knew things were getting better.

Forgive yourself for how you’re feeling - Remember that it’s not your fault, that anxiety is a bitch and that you shouldn’t blame yourself as this will only make the anxiety worse.

Nourish yourself with balance - Diet, exercise and sleep all have an impact on mental wellbeing, and the better you care for yourself the more you encourage better brain function.

Practice mindfulness if you can - Just 10 minutes of breathing exercises, a short yoga flow or using a meditation app like Calm can really make a difference and help you to accept the fact you are overthinking, allowing those thoughts to come and then go like passing traffic.

But honestly, the truth is that it’s not easy to overcome. In fact, the worst thing about mental health problems, including anxiety, is that the solution appears so easy but it’s the hardest thing in the world. Only you have the power to make a change, but you are the one that’s consumed by something that seems to control your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. When everything in your being says it’s better to stay inside and keep your door locked, it’s never as simple as ‘just get up’, ‘just go to the party’, ‘it won’t be that bad once you’re there’.

As is the case with many mental health issues, anxiety is part of a vicious cycle. The more you obey your anxieties demands – to stay inside, to distance yourself from the people around you, to worry about your lack of friends and inability to socialise – the worse the anxiety gets. And the worse the anxiety gets, the harder it is to break the cycle and socialise.

It is not fair, and it’s utterly shit.

If you’re feeling this way, I want you to understand that you’re not weird or stupid. It is so hard and things can get very tough, but that is not to say that things can’t and won’t get better. They can, and if you believe it and commit to putting the effort in to making things better, you’re half way there. Perhaps more importantly, this can be a message to people who recognise these behaviours in a friend or family member and are beginning to lose patience with them. Please remember that there may be more deep-rooted issues. Please bear with them, support them, and show them that you’re still their friend and that you love them.

I'm not anti-social...I have anxiety