If you think about it, we’re all in search of happiness. That happiness will come in different forms for different people, we all measure happiness in different ways, but ultimately the decisions that we make and the things we strive for are to achieve happiness for ourselves and the people around us.
One thing I believe is that true happiness can’t be achieved if we don’t accept ourselves for who we are. If we can’t come to accept ourselves we will always be looking for more, looking to fill that void, trying to find ways to perfect ourselves so that we can love ourselves. And in that frame of mind we come to discover that whatever it is we think will make us happy, doesn’t. For me, that was being thin. All of my life I had believed that if I was thin I would be happy in my body and able to accept myself. But it didn’t work out like that.
So if self-love and self-acceptance can’t be achieved by making those adjustments we think are necessary, how can it be achieved? How do you get to the stage where you’re happy with who you are?
Like I say, I always wanted to be thin, and my general opinion of myself was something I struggled with for years and years, though that may not have seemed to be true to those around me. It was only when my mental health deteriorated that my insecurities became a very big problem and I developed an eating disorder. While my body insecurities and misjudgment about thinness weren’t the direct causes of my eating disorder (I didn’t just decide to stop eating so I could be thin), they were at the root of why my mental health issues manifested in the way they did. So in order to recover I had to face those issues - I needed to understand why they were issues for me and tackle them, so that I could finally be happy.
As part of my recovery I saw a therapist regularly which was invaluable for me. One thing we focused on in my sessions was these deep-rooted issues of self-confidence - my concern with how I appeared to other people, how I compared to them and what they thought about me. I remember having a conversation where she asked me why I thought people cared about how my body looked… She had a point, why would people care about me? It’s quite a narcissistic view.
She said to me “You don’t think of other people like that, do you?”
“No” I replied.
But in my head I was thinking “actually, I do.” It was then that I realised my insecurity was being projected on everyone else. I did judge people by how they looked. At my worst, when I was really struggling with my eating disorder, I was obsessed. Obsessed with comparing myself, wanting to be the thinnest in the room, sizing myself up against other people, scrolling through social media and focusing on everyone’s body shape. I was so self-conscious about my own body that it was all I thought about, and what I focused on when coming into contact with other people. And so I believed that they were thinking the same things about me, and the cycle continued.
I realised during that conversation with my therapist that no one else thought that way and that people didn’t care about my body - why would they?! My obsession with my body made me obsess about other people’s bodies too, which not only made me extremely unhappy and paranoid but was a really horrible way to view the world.
I decided from then that I needed to get rid of my judgemental habit. That that was the only way I was going to be able to accept myself - when I started seeing everyone for who they were and not their appearance, including myself. If I recognised I was judging other people on their body shape I had to call myself out on it. I had to acknowledge my thoughts and stop them. Like all habit changes it took a while, and I do still find myself thinking about it and comparing myself occasionally. But generally I don’t think about it all that often, it’s certainly not at the forefront of my mind, and so I’ve stopped worrying about what people think of my body too. My insecurities have started to diminish, not by changing my body but by changing my thought process.
What I realise is that, while not everyone’s insecurity - or main concern at least - is their body, we as humans have a tendency to focus on our negatives and project them. It might be your career, your life achievements, your relationship status or your ability to do a certain skill. Whatever it is, it’s common that you start noticing it in the people around you and comparing yourself, just as I did with body shape. You begin to believe that everyone else does the same and they must be looking at you wondering why you haven’t yet got a promotion, or you can’t deadlift 50kg, or you don’t have a boyfriend yet. And so you become more self-conscious about those things that you see as your faults and the cycle goes on.
It’s only when you break the habit of those thoughts that you begin to accept yourself and can be happy. What I realised was that I had the power to influence my happiness, and that I didn’t have to change anything but my own way of measuring happiness and how I viewed the world. And once you harness that control you really do free yourself up to be as happy as you want.
