What it's like to Gain Weight

Recovering from an eating disorder takes some doing. It’s a mental and a physical battle. There were some aspects of it that I wasn’t expecting, like the hot flushes, the bloating, lack of sleep. It literally felt like I was going through the menopause at age 21. And there were some challenges that I knew I was going to have to face, like the weight gain.

I had started increasing my intake of food for quite a while without gaining much weight at all, which in a way was frustrating at the time – I wanted to see the evidence of my progress. I was still considered anorexic until I was a healthy weight. But it also gave me a false sense of hope that I could recover without having to conquer my fear of gaining weight. That eventually changed as my body got over the initial shock and used to a higher calorie intake.

I started to gain weight, and although it may not have been obvious and seemed like a gradual process to others, to me it felt quite rapid and out of my control. I would check my reflection in the mirror at any opportunity and it felt like every time I did, something had changed. My thighs had got closer together, my tummy had got a bit bigger, my bones had become a bit less visible. My clothes were starting to get too small, each day I had to throw something else out. I noticed even the smallest of changes and that wasn’t good for a mind that obsessed over little details.

But I’d got to the point where I had made a conscious decision to get better and nothing could stop me. So I told myself that I had to get used to the fact that my weight was going to increase and that my body was going to change. I had to deal with it because this is what needed to happen for me to get better.

When I look back on it I can’t quite believe that I managed to push through. I just remember telling myself: “you are sick of this, you’ve had enough, your health and your happiness are so much more important”.

I think for many of us, we don’t realise how much our image affects our feelings. It’s only when something changes or feels out of our control that we notice. Just a few years ago I had an idea in my head of what my ideal body would be. Having to remove that from my mind and let my body take its own shape was tough, but it really helped me to understand that we are all different. Every human body has its natural weight and shape and size. Mine might not be what I initially wanted it to be, but I’ve learned to accept and even love it.

Pushing through the weight gain and getting over that initial fear was one of the best things that could have happened to me. There are so many changes that our bodies can go through in our lifetime, it might be pregnancy, weight gain due to medication, an injury that prevents us from working out, a stressful life situation that means we neglect our health. Sometimes we just have to put it out of our mind to make way for what’s more important. If we can accept ourselves just as we are and love ourselves regardless, we don’t need to fear change. Our emotions and happiness don’t need to be affected by it.

And when all is said and done, what does it really matter anyway?